Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Day 241 - Resolve

Today is my Gramma's birthday. It's also the beginning of 2013 and, as such, leaves me seven months until I can give her what I hope will be the best present - a picture, or even a video, of the walk I'll take to collect my certificate and graduate.

So I thought I'd blog about that somewhat elusive phenomenon known as resolve. Not only because today is the day most of the world makes resolutions, though that does mean it's apt, but because it feels important to acknowledge that the thirty-one days of December (during the greater part of which month I have not posted, for reasons I hope to make clear) have rather tested my ability to keep my own.

Having promised to provide you, my dear readers (if you are still out there), with a sort of virtual advent calendar in the lead-up to Christmas...well, you shall find out I did not. If I am to be candid, and to break the erroneously-termed 'brave face' I wear as a mask, I shall confess it is because there was little in the way of a daily treat to share. That is to say, not much occurred that those outside my immediate family would call progress. Due to anxiety last term concerning a combination of academic work and the availability of helpers at uni for after these holidays, my sciatica made a reappearance that seems to have been strong enough to override a great deal of the effect of my botox, which has in turn increased the anxiety.

Nevertheless, I know enough about the over activity of my mind to be aware that panic solves nothing, and have therefore resolved not to let it crowd out my logic. Optimism is my natural tendency - it always has been - and it is my intention to remember that this year. For this girl, however premature, my birthday falling on the thirteenth has rendered it a lucky number. I've fallen far deeper into the Slough of Despond than I find myself today before now and, if I got out of it then, I can pull myself out of it for 2013. Walking isn't all there is to walking - there's standing, and even sitting to find your balance, and I sat on my own completely fearlessly over Christmas Day and Eve.

Above all, though, I can understand that things happen for reasons - and that my sciatica, coupled with health-related incidents involving other members of my family (from which everyone is recovering but which I feel it is inappropriate to discuss here) can serve as reminders to put our bodies first, to let them guide us, and to trust that (if we work, take courage, smile and laugh) the goals we wish to achieve will come to fruition...however far out of reach they may seem.

So I hope you'll all be here to join me on this next leg of my journey - you've certainly been here when I've needed you most and, for that, I shall be forever grateful.

Happy 2013!

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